New Yearly Update

•January 13, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Okay, let’s not kid ourselves. I am not a social media person. I am a early millennial as they call it and I had to spellcheck. But I have always exposed myself through internet blogs that hopefully nobody ever reads. It is a funky irony that something that goes into cyberspace might die on some unread server. But we are the new generation. Our footprint is eternal! Our bucket-loads of selfies, and stories, and moments, and status updates.

Let’s update things.  You are no doubt wondering what the hell happened in the past year. 2015 sucked.  Grandpa Frank past away Dec. 31st 2014 and I started the year flying into Chicago, during a fucking blizzard, to bury my Dad’s dad. I only mention this for one reason, to set the tone for the rest of the shit.

Grandpa Schwartz was not something that anyone else in my family remembers as I do. My fathers remembers him as someone with a strong work ethic, something he instilled in his children. I don’t know what you think about me, but Amanda definitely exemplifies this behavior. I hack it alright.

And since this is the honesty blog, Grandma Schwartz is a total bitch. If she ever reads this, I only hope she wears the badge with pride. There is something in someone’s discontent that brings us all up to be better people. I am going to cut this short right now cause this is something that I can’t paragraph.

Uncle Mike is something you can’t paragraph either. He passed away mid 2015 in the summer, or it might have been the spring. I want to tell one story about Mike.

Mike and me are buddies. I have always liked Mike and resembled him in many ways. Funny how genetics draws these values. So in Arizona, in the retirement community of Sun City, we would go visit Grandma. Grandma was sweet like grandmas are but I want to expose her flaws for the purpose of entertainment. Not cause I didn’t love her, or that she was any better or worse than any other Grandma. But her breath was horrendous. She smoked through the 40s and even though she hadn’t smoked a cigarette in years, the ones that she did smoke stained her eternal bad breath. If you had a good lemon bar, you could mask or with stain the onslaught of funky aroma.

This is where the comedy ends. It ends at 2 people dying that I loved dearly. Their joy will always be remembered. Their spirit will always be with me, cause they are part of me and as long as I am living they will not be forgotten. I have to go into a dark place. It is something I don’t understand but I want to give the facts as I understand them.

Meara and me are divorced as of Dec. 3rd, 2015. We were married for 4 years, and between sometime in July or August of 2015 we decided that we needed to discontinue our marriage over personal differences. Let’s leave it just right there, because it is vague enough to explain some things but not some things.

But this is a blog, and it is eternal. It will live in cyberspace forever! So exposing something might juice it up? But sadly, this isn’t a drama, it is real life. We die, but there is something to look forward to.  I don’t know what it is, but I am looking forward to having this question answered. I hope we don’t die like dust. I hope we shine, until the universe ends.  Goodnight endless universe!


Divorce and drinks afterwards

•September 16, 2015 • Leave a Comment

The big D! That’s me!  That’s totally not me, but right now it is me and I need to own it.
After much consideration, and some booze, and some pot, and then more booze, that I should withdraw from this fight.

I never was going to win, I was just in it because it was in front of me.

I should have walked away and left it alone.

When it itches I have to scratch it.

I’ve seen the blood moon. I’ve seen people dying. It is just arrogant prophecy. It is silly really cause we are so much smarter.

When you stop living for yourself, you can find something greater

I’ve lied and I’ve changed, I’ve been every bit a human

But my salvation is in something I want to understand

but I can’t, it is bigger, it is stronger, I am clay and not the maker.

This world might end, or it might not, but I will first

it is going to be interesting, or continue to be interesting

don’t get too comfortable, because it will change

don’t get bitter, get mad, but let it flow through you

don’t let it consume you, give it up

you’re going to make it

you’re a good person

The D Word

•August 7, 2015 • Leave a Comment

So as usual.  Been awhile since I have updated.  I am no longer married.  We are splitting up. That is the truth of it.  That is all I want to say about it. I joined dating sites which were exciting for about a week, and now they are just a sad part of life. Something to do. I hope to get bored with it, and back into video games soon.

When I bought my last rig, I made the mistake of buying Windows Home.  I can’t remember before that when the last time was I legitimately paid for Windows. I went to Fry’s and bought the OS for a rig I built by myself with some friends. It is 32-bit, and now I can’t run 64-bit games.  So I am going to try a free uprade to Windows 10 64 Home.

GTFUp and go

•November 6, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I am ready to GTFUp and go.  Am I right?

I cleaned out some of the bitching and moaning and set it to private.  Some of it is funny but I shouldn’t bitch and moan outright cause who wants to hear it, am I right?


•October 9, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I would like to start with a personal story..

In 2010 I went to a skating rink.  It was a friend of mine’s birthday and she wanted to have a nostalgic-type birthday and wear a leotard and a sweat band and skate in a circle to new wave.  It sounded like fun but it only took me a few laps before I fell on my left ankle.  It looked like this:

Broken ankle from roller skaingI spent the night in the ER.  About 8 hours.  They had to realign some of the bones which they gave me powerful drugs in advance for.  Cast, Xrays, it was an ordeal.  My bill for just the ER was around $7,000, but since I was uninsured at the time they automatically dropped the charges down to a realistic $1,300.  There were doctor fees and x-ray lab fees but everyone dropped the prices since there was no insurance company to bleed.  I could have carried insurance at the time, I was employed, but the coverage wasn’t particularly great and I could have saved about $1,000 over a year which I wanted to apply towards our wedding.

It is traggic, I know.  We got married and had a wonderful wedding about about a year and a half later I find myself back in the ER again, in a hospital within the same system.  It was much less severe this time, I had dropped a heavy object on my big toe and blood was pooling under the toenail.  It was painful and I sought ER treatment where in about 20 minutes a doctor came in, punched a hole in the nail, squeezed out the pooling blood, put a band-aid on it and gave me a script for some ibuprofen and sent me on my way.  The charges, again, $1,300.  But this time I have health insurance.  However, this time since I had not met my $3,000 deductible, the hospital would not negotiate charges with me.  I was being penalized for having health insurance.  I pay approximately $2,000 per year for my insurance.

Now having insurance would have helped when I originally broke my ankle.  I needed reconstructive surgery that placed 11 screws and 2 plates in my ankle, costing $27,000 or $12,000 to the uninsured.  This is where I start to have a problem with how this whole system works.  My friend in the medical field explained how this works to me.

Let’s say you go into the doctor for some small procedure that costs the doctor’s office $50 to perform.  Well this procedure has a name and every insurance company has a book where this procedure is written down with the maximum amount they are willing to pay on it.  One company will pay $150, where another won’t pay more than $110.  The doctor’s knows this so they shoot high and send out a bill for $200.  The insurance company says well we are only going to pay less than that, and the doctor’s office writes off the remainder.  The problem here is that if you have a large deductible, your insurance company isn’t going to bargain for you, and the doctor’s office won’t negotiate either.

The whole system is broken, and the government would have you believe that they are trying to reform healthcare.  They aren’t doing that though, they are expanding coverage by subsidizing people that can’t really afford insurance, but the costs stay the same.  Or it seems quite possible that it will instead go up, depending on which news source you believe.  Nothing is being done to correct the cost of health care to fix it to where people pay what it actually costs.

What most people are under the delusion though is that it will mean free healthcare.  They think we will be like Canada or the UK where health services are a free service provided by the government.  I don’t think many understand that they will be required to purchase health insurance.  Perhaps it is possible that the lowest of earners, or those that don’t work at all, will be fully subsidized.  If you don’t buy, then the government will fine you and take money out of your tax return.  If you don’t pay taxes, well you certainly might find yourself benefiting the most from a health system that does not turn away a patient because they cannot pay for the services.

I see a missed opportunity during the beginning of this to where the cost of healthcare could have been corrected.  Insurance is a profitable business, and they didn’t make billions of dollars by making it more affordable to those that pay for it and covering the costs of those that need help from it.  If you are in the 20% that need it, then it is good for you, but for the other 80%, it is a tax.  You would only have to look at something like the public school system to see how poorly the government can operate.

The government shutdown is merely political theater.  Whether Democrats cave and meet the compromises of the Republicans or the Republicans retreat and look like fools in doing so, very little will be accomplished no matter the outcome.  I don’t trust either, and have confidence in neither.  As comedian Lewis Black put it, one says, “I have a shitty idea!”, to which the other replies “and I know how to make it even shittier!”

Broken ankle from roller skaing

Football and what I’ve learned about the Unitarians

•October 9, 2013 • Leave a Comment

This brief dialogue will summarize my feelings over the Texans getting pummeled earlier tonight by the 49’ers.  It takes place between a co-worker of mine who is a fan of LSU, the Saints, and also the 49ers:

Coonass: Ur Qb has no confidence now hes done.

Me: If I ever need to know how to cook something I ran over or how to tie knots when hanging a nigger from my tree, I will be sure to get your input. Obvious understatements about football will remain unrequested.

Coonass: Somebody is mad!

That pretty much sums it up.   I will say no more.

I again attended a Unitarian church today in Arlington, TX.  It was a nice church, filled with nice folks.  Unitarians tend to cater to older folks, who some look like they might be homeless, or retired hippie-burn-outs.  The younger kids are primarily the outcast types as well.  I don’t have a problem with that.  In fact, I tend to enjoy those type over the pretty jocks who constantly smile and are a little too happy.  This is merely an observation. They hold sacred the values of being a good person.  There is nothing wrong with this, but you might say it lacks the supernatural element of most religions in that you could almost consider it more of a lifestyle choice than an actual religion in that the principles while noble, wouldn’t necessarily conflict with the beliefs of any religion.That is what is lacking in a Unitarian church.  Although, they are mostly nice and smart people and fun to be around, they lack the supernatural element of most other religions.  To many I suppose that is the appeal of Unitarianism.  There isn’t anything there that you don’t want.  You are free to believe as you want to believe, as long as it doesn’t demean anyone else.  For the control freaks, this is a safe place for them.  There is no unseen deity to judge them or tell them how they should be living their lives.  For me, I miss the supernatural.  I want something bigger than myself, and everyone else, and science, and this planet.While there is nothing wrong with the people I meet in a Unitarian Universalist Church, I am unable to find inspiration.  To me, I find inspiration in someone that might be an old black and Baptist woman from the South.   Someone that is on fire with their faith.  It may be blind and sometimes misplaced, but to me people like that have something that I wish I could have.  I want to have that everything I say and everything I do is inspired by my faith in God or Jesus.  I envy that aspect.  Sometimes those people are judgmental, and I like who I am in that respect.   I think I am very good at not judging people from appearances, or beliefs, or anything other than their words and actions.  I mostly forgive ignorance or sheer stupidity.  The only example I can think of right now is someone who is cruel to animals.  That is something where I can quickly find contempt for someone should I observe someone mistreating an animal.  Or someone who would abuse a woman.  Such things, I have no tolerance for.

For the most part though I accept people.  People that are kind and humble I am drawn to.  And sometimes I seem arrogant, but I know that is a deep seeded defense mechanism from my childhood where there were times that I felt like I was a freak and had nobody that was like me.  I frequently boast, but I always have it seated in that comedic element were it is ironic that I would mention myself as being talented, smart, or handsome.  Honest compliments I am humbled by, and I don’t have anything more than a healthy ego that is above self-loathing but beneath any true form of arrogance.

It isn’t me that needs faith right now as much as my wife does.  I will continue to attend church with the UUs and perhaps I might discover more from them.  As long as my wife is inspired from them then I will support that and be present to support her.  Faith comes in small steps and not giant leaps.

Insomniacs Club for the minds that won’t shut up

•September 26, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I want to sleep.  But there are things going on in my head.  Quick, grab some booze and shut them up!

Where was I.  Perhaps I should go back and read some rantings.

Oh wow!  That was some amusing shit.  I certainly wasn’t in a good place then.  I am now, but regardless, I still have things going on in my head.  It was some work related shit that kept me awake, but I am not going to write about that.  That is horrible prose.  Unless you have some ridiculously cool job, like your a cop, or a robber, or a fireman, or an Indian chief.  If you work with computer your thoughts on that might be interesting to other dorks, but that is not for tonight.

Perhaps I came unprepared.  I had plenty of things, not just work things while I laid awake in bed for the past hour.  And as I sip on this glass of wine and think about what to say, I have nothing.  Perhaps I should just boot up a mindless video game.

Now the eyelids start to fall.  Just as I commit to being unable to sleep and to do something productive with it.  Figures!

Starting the score to GTA-V.  Was looking for DJ Shadow at work today and saw he was listed as an artist under the music score Vol. 2.  Can’t find Vol. 1.  But it is fantastic.  Environmental DJ Shadow, fuck yeah!

So at work tomorrow I am going to level with this girl I work with, she is kinda my employee.  I taught her AutoCAD.  I also installed tracking software on her machine this morning.  That isn’t ethical though.  I would be pissed if someone did that to me.  I did it as an experiment.  Perhaps I should explain for my non-existent audience, tracking software provides data on everything you do on your computer.  I am concerned with time spent in AutoCAD documents, but I could log anything including mouse clicks and keystrokes.  This led me to the realization that once my children come of an age where they are using the computers to play games and talk to friends, they won’t be able to get away with shit.  I will know everything.  I am sure in the next 10 years I can have it on their smartphone too although I am quite sure that is already offered although I have never looked into it.  You hear that hypothetical future children?  You aren’t going to be able to pull shit on me unless I start to loose my game!  Don’t count on me loosing game; count on me only improving!

That sounded terrible, but it was true.  I miss weed.  We had some good times.  Just you and me and some video games.  Ah well, I guess we all grow up.  And those of those that don’t have to, those of us that are high functioning alcoholics or potheads; I envy you.  I’ve fought all I can to convince myself and my wife that I can be among you, but she cannot see it that way.  I certainly can, but I overextend myself.  I am doing it now, however at least tonight is the exception rather than the standard.

I could probably sleep now, but I have a half-glass of wine and I’ve already committed.  Is the font too small?  It could be bigger, but did you know you can zoom with most browsers by holding the CTRL key and using the mouse wheel?  I hope so.

There could be some bitching and whining here. Let’s see if there is anyone on Facebook to talk to.  Nope, but fuck it. I am done.